The good Reverend Jimmy stopped and shook his head and then wiped his brow with a handkerchief and looked imploringly out at the crowd. “So what can we all do to keep our corrupt hearts from leadin’ us astray into wickedness, again an’ again? How we supposed to keep to the straight an’ narrow path with such fiendish hearts cryin’ out to wallow in sin all the time? How indeed do we keep a lid on all that vile filth that lie’s within us ready to burst out so’s the stink of it don’t rise all the way to the gates of Heaven?”
            He halted again and looked skyward and then back at the multitude, beaming with radiant conviction. “Well thankfully God came up with a little plan to help keep us on the righteous track. See, way back in the days of Moses, people didn’t know nothin’ ’bout right from wrong an’ pretty much lived like animals—lyin’, cheatin’, stealin’, killin’ each other, fornicatin’ indiscriminately with other people’s husbands an’ wives an’ children an’ even their dang livestock, yep! It’s the truth! Why do you all think God had to go an’ tell Moses in Exodus 22:19, that ‘Whosoever lies with a beast shall surely be put to death’?Because they didn’t know no better back then, yep!
            “An’ so lookin’ down at all this God got a little peeved He did—after all He didn’t create human bein’s in His image so’s they could just run around fornicatin’with farm animals! Heck no! He had a higher purpose for us, yep! So He rubbed His Great Noggin an’ thought about it some, an’ then decided what the people really needed was some sorta structure to their lives an’ some incentive to stick to it, an’ so in His Great Wisdom—’cause He knew people loved games an’ gamblin’ an’ sports better’n just ’bout anythin’—He created The Big Game of Life, with rules so simple that even the most mischievous an’ lazy-minded souls could understand ’em. An’ when God finally got all this figured out, He called Moses up to the mountain top an’ put on a great big show that shook the heavens an’ earth an’ then He gave Moses the Rules of the Big Game inscribed by His Own Hand onto a couple a stone tablets—them’s the Ten Commandments sure ’nuff, yep! The official rulebook on how to play the ultimate game of all—The Big Game of Life! An’ just so’s everybody’d be properly motivated to stick to the rules, He put the cost of winnin’ or losin’ the Game down in simple black an’ white—if you played by the rules an’ won, well then you got the ultimate prize of Eternal Paradise in His Blessed Kingdom, but if you didn’t, if you ignored the rules or broke the rules, or worse yet, tried to cheat, well then you lost automatically an’ God’d personally hurl you into hell an’ dunk you right down into the Great Lake of Fire to flail about in burnin’ torment ferevermore, yep!
            “And so just like that, Moses’ people finally had somethin’ to go on—somethin’ to let ’em truly know right from wrong. They was rules for a righteous life an’ a true enough roadmap to the Pearly Gates, yep! An’ it was all good, my friends, all good, ’cept for one little itty-bitty hitch. An’ you all know what that was don’t you? Well you better quick ’cause we still got that hitch hamperin’ us today an’ though times may have changed, all the rules of God’s Big Game still apply! An’ bear in mind, this ain’t just the Squeal of Fortune, or the Price is Right On!, or Survivors, or none of them other rinky-dink games I’m talkin’ ’bout here, this here’s the real thing, an’ the price of losin’s just as potentially full of eternal agony as ever before, yep! So what was that little itty-bitty hitch that kept Moses’ people from followin’ God’s rules to a T, an’ what hitch we still got hinderin’ us from livin’ a pure an’ righteous life today?
            “Well let me give you all a hint, it ain’t our love for petunias! Heck no! That ain’t it! It’s our love for sin that arises within our poor wicked an’ deceitful hearts—the very vile an’ despicable organs pumpin’ away right now in our chests sendin’ blood coursin’ through our bodies even as I speak to you all, yep! For while we all know the rules that God’s given us to play by an’ our minds crave peace an’ tranquility an’ we yearn for love an’ union with God, the fact remains that our flesh is weak an’ our hearts riddled with corruption an’ that’s the dang problem, yep! But listen my friends, that’s just the way we was made. No matter how righteous we try to be, how hard we struggle to live up to God’s Commandments, how steadfastedly we try to keep Satan at bay, we still have to live in a physical body that harbors a beastly nature, that troubles us to no end with sin, an’ yep! we despair, we don’t like it, we’re unhappy, we’re miserable, but still we fall into our sins again an’ again an’ again! We fornicate with strangers, lust after wealth, envy one another, defile the Creation, molder into couch potatoes, feed cows to cows an’ chickens to chickens an’ then eat ’em cut up an’ deep-fried in rancid oil by some foreign teenager who can’t even speak proper American, yep!”
            Reverend Jimmy paused, glaring out at the flock, and then he snapped his fingers and a smile lit up his face and he asked, “Alright then, so how many football fans we got in the house tonight?”

Even more raving reviews for Rudy Can’t Fail by W. Dipper:

“A wonderfully rich, toasty WARM, and affecting book…highly RECOMMENDED!”
— Providence Monday Journal

“Rudy’s moral anguish is INESCAPABLE, and Dipper writes his story like an AVENGING ANGEL!”
— Brimstone Book Review

“An American TREASURE…If you haven’t read about Rudy yet, you should do so at once and REJOICE in the body of work that lies before you!” — Suburban Tributary

“Rudy’s a true PROPHET and Dipper the scribe who tells his tale for all to read!” — Big Tent Revival News

“Rudy’s story is both DAUNTING in its audacity and RUTHLESS in its simplicity…his message is clear and we must heed his call!” — Venice Beach Baptist Observer

“FEEL-GOOD book of the 21st Century!”
— The American Home Companion

“A POWERFUL book, mature, brutally realistic and often EVIL!” — Christian Clarion Call

“This book SAVED our marriage! We just can’t tell you how much we LOVE Rudy Can’t Fail!”
— Darlene & Earl B., Kentucky, U.S.A.

“Tá scéal ÁLAINN ar an laoch Meiriceánach! A amadádo do cinnte, ach ní bheidh aon laoch an lú! Bealtaine na cailíní a bheith agat le Rudy!” — Seolta Nuachta Luimneach

“During this defining moment in HISTORY, with the life of the FREE world on the line, Rudy swung for the fences and knocked one out of the park for all of us! This is his story, read it now!” — Sport’s Illuminated

“Why to we exist? Dipper’s RARE masterwork, Rudy Can’t Fail, answers this question and many others. It is considered by many to be the most complete book ever written on human life!” — Herman Chivalry, The Last Word

“Timeshares! Who needs ’em when you’ve got this GEM of a book in hand! Takes you places where you’ve never even dreamed of going before and when it’s all over you’ll be glad you did!” — Traveler’s Journal

“Rudy J. Swingle was one of the most VIVID figures in recent American history, and this book does supreme justice to his ornery, visionary, OUTRAGEOUS and inspiring story…Not just Americans but anyone with a taste for OUTSIZED characters will enjoy this INCREDIBLE book about an INCREDIBLE time!”
— Ham B. Fist, Chief Deputy Director, National Social Studies Archives, and author of You Think You Know History?

“A revealing portrait of an American ORIGINAL! There is something marvelously GOOFY about Rudy…more than just a simple man with a dream, he SAVED us all and I’m guessing we haven’t heard the last of him!”
— Aloha Abe, Heroes Review

“There are MAGNIFICENT times—though far too few—in the literature of biographical sketches when an author contains in his person some of the same depth of understanding and SENSITIVITY which defines his subject. Such is the case with W. Dipper and Rudy…the result is a kind of written MAGIC!”— Hugh Peckinpaw, Cerebral Times

“MARVELOUS! A book which transforms Rudy’s patriotic act of love into a page-turning SUSPENSE story!” — Sam Foggarty, Daytona Daily News

“I read Rudy Can’t Fail with interest, excitement, and EXHILIRATION! Rudy helps us rejoin the community of American consumers and though the outcome remains uncertain, one leaves this book with a sense of renewed faith!” — Dayton Moonjoy, Kirkus Reviewers

“A powerful work, SOBERING …compelling, and finally just ENJOYABLE as a superbly crafted work of art!”
— The Living Water Press

“Hell’s awaitin’ Dipper!” — The Religious Observer